The dilemma
I’m a 38-year-old single mother to a wonderful six-year-old girl. I was on my own for three years before meeting someone who I’ve since been seeing for eight months. Now I’ve found out that I’m pregnant – it was unplanned. I’m terrified this relationship isn’t stable enough to last raising a child. To make things worse, I had been contemplating ending it because, as kind, smart and lovely as he is, I’m not sure I enjoy his company enough. I dearly want another child – and a sibling for my daughter. I know my chances of conceiving are diminishing and if I met someone else it would take time to get to know them. Should I take this chance of having a baby and run with it?
Auntie Grace replies:
I can’t dissuade you. Nor would I want to. The depth of your desire for a second child isn’t for me to gauge and so my opinion is irrelevant. If you’re ready and willing to do it again, there’s little I can say to convince you otherwise.
Let me instead lend context to your dilemma. Pregnancy can happen by accident, but with most mature adults an element of choice goes into that “unexpected” discovery. Only teenagers, virgins and strict Catholics can get away with feigning surprise that they are “with child”. For the rest of us enjoying even a sliver of a sex life, finding that you (or your partner) are pregnant can’t credibly be received with astonishment. It’s particularly true for you, already a single parent. Placing yourself in a position of vulnerability to a repeat of that experience only makes sense if you were throwing your dice in the air, so to speak. Your relationship with this man sounds less than satisfactory in terms of potential longevity. Then again, I have no way of knowing if you’re being harsh on him.
Teenagers and virgins can feign surprise. In maturity, unplanned pregnancy has less of an authentic ring to it.
Having spent much of my own dating life dodging nice, reliable guys, I’m convinced that happiness lies in eventually coming to see those qualities, so undervalued in youth, as virtues. It certainly takes the levels of angst in life down a notch or two if you’re not perpetually in fear of your partner ditching you and moving on.
Let’s not forget, too, that deciding whether or not to have children is a choice we are lucky enough to be at liberty to make. You can ensure you never become a parent or push out your own football team, based entirely on that most irrational of compulsions – what you feel like. Plenty of people with no natural ability or urge to parent end up conceiving or contributing to the conception of babies that they will raise badly, if at all.
Nevertheless, as basic human rights go, having the ability to choose is surely one of the most important. Further afield than our own emancipated society, witnessing the experience of women without our choices, for whom the birth of one child only heralds the imminent conception of another (all too often coupled with the threat of infant mortalities) is a salutary reminder of our own good fortune.
Contraception, equal rights and education have all contributed to the now widely embraced right we take for granted – of whether to have sex for fun, procreation, or both. That’s why, in maturity, unplanned pregnancy has less of an authentic ring to it than it does in youth. Impetuous decisions and the rush of hormones that make rational choice a struggle are condonable when your mind and body are out of tune, hostage to hormones and fairly innocent to the ways of the world. You on the other hand are a grown up, with one child already, and as such can be expected to display responsibility for the decisions you take.
Choice, if we don’t take advantage of it, becomes a redundant tool. Mistakes do happen, but with the wealth of knowledge and contraceptive devices available, they really shouldn’t be as common or as easy to shrug off as they remain. In a relationship, both adults have responsibility for ensuring that a healthy sex life doesn’t necessarily mean a family and your boyfriend is as culpable as you.
He now has a right to be consulted and his thoughts considered in the decision you’re about to make. His response should assist your conclusions on what should most be preoccupying you: what prospects there are for joint responsibility for your unborn child; whether you’re ready to go it alone for the second time; and whether this guy deserves longer tenure in his trial as partner material.
Having babies isn’t a divine right; it’s a responsibility that should be weighed up, where possible, with a degree of clarity that I appreciate isn’t assisted by the ticking of your biological clock. I’m sorry I can’t provide a solution to your conundrum, but I do hope I’ve given you fuel for further thought.
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Grow up. That baby you are carrying needs a father and more importantly the father's name.
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